Relationships
Relationships that Work: Three Questions
By Lynne Hoft, EdD & Vivian Hildebrandt, MA
Every relationship begins with us. Our understanding of who we are, our belief patterns, our experiences, our natural abilities and talents all determine the type of relationships we have with others and ourselves. The more aware we are of our true selves without limitations, the more we will build brilliant relationships that fulfill us and contribute to others.
Question 1: Where are we “coming from” in our relationships?
Achieving self-awareness is a lifelong journey. Each age and stage can add to our understanding of who we are. It is human nature for us to see our flaws more easily than our strengths. Some studies done with children to determine the number of positive statements they receive in a day compared to the number of negative statements show as few as one positive per 200 negatives. This conditioning as children can’t help but impact how we see ourselves and our understanding of who we are. When we become adults, we bring the limitations we’ve accepted as true into all of our interactions with others.
We measure who we are by our behavior, our thoughts, and our feelings. More than that, we measure ourselves by who we think we are compared to who we want to be or think we should be. Much of our conflict over who we think we are is driven by all of the “should” messages we’ve received from others.
As we begin to recognize our true selves, with a core of brilliance and access to all the information we’ll ever need, we start sorting out the messages we’ve taken in from the outside and those we’re getting from the inside—our innate wisdom. If we learn to trust our inner brilliance and utilize its power, we gain confidence, a new level of comfort, and connectedness with our purpose. We begin to experience a greater flow of creativity, spontaneity, happiness, hopefulness, and an increased enthusiasm for living.
Developing a good relationship with ourselves is not rocket science; it is simply being able to shift in any moment from our conditioned thinking to our natural brilliance.
Answer 1: We can remember to “come from” our brilliance instead of our patterned thinking.
Question 2: Can we please ourselves while pleasing others in our relationships?
From our earliest years, we learn to please others. This is how we get recognized and affirmed and stay in the good graces of our parents, teachers, and friends. Pleasing others makes us feel accepted, acknowledged, and appreciated; we feel worthwhile.
When we take this pattern into adult life and constantly try to please our boss, our kids, our mate, our in-laws in order to feel accepted and appreciated, we find ourselves exhausted and irritable or depressed. We’re often taken advantage of, unappreciated, and overwhelmed with requests for more and more of our time.
Once we realize we’re dissatisfied and unhappy, we may choose to change. Then we can begin to search for answers to understand where we are and where we’re going. If we continue our outside-in approach, we will probably rebel, stop serving others, or blame our loved ones and leave, creating more distress and unhappiness.
If we begin a search to understand ourselves, for inner meaning, we can discover our natural wisdom and brilliance. Making this connection allows us to move out of the pattern of pleasing others and toward self-awareness and fulfillment. This approach involves a heart connection that lets us renew ourselves and our relationships with our loved ones. To move from being an approval junkie to living from one’s core of natural brilliance is a simple shift from outside in to inside out.
Answer 2: Yes! We can please ourselves and others by living from the inside out.
Question 3: Can we deal with someone else’s “reality” when it is so different from ours?
Unless we realize that we all have separate realities and that no two people see things exactly the same way, our assumptions about what others are thinking or should be thinking will create continuing problems and unhappiness in our relationships. The impact from the need to be right, to know how everything is supposed to go, and how people are supposed to be creates a dark cloud in relationships. This leads to feelings of resentment about not being understood or accepted, not being appreciated, or being controlled.
Not understanding separate realities separates people. When we understand that we can’t see things the same way anyone else sees them, then we have to begin to communicate in new ways. It takes humility to own up to the fact that we don’t have to be right. Our natural brilliance is showing us that we are whole and valuable whether or not we are right. And it takes humility to “grant beingness” to others. From our brilliance we also see the brilliance in others and their wholeness and value. Imagine a world where we all see the brilliance in ourselves and others.
Answer 3: Yes! we can accept another’s separate reality which brings us closer to them.
Excerpted in part from Activate Your Brilliance, Back to Brilliance ©2007.
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