Bridging Realities For Good Communication
By Lynne Hoft, Ed.D and Vivian Hildebrandt, MA
The foundation for good communication in building relationships is accepting another’s reality. This does not mean we have to give up our own. It simply means acknowledging that their reality is authentic for them; we don’t have to agree with it. This kind of acknowledgment eliminates the need to defend our reality, put down another’s, or judge one reality as better than another. Exceptions occur when one person’s reality violates the well-being of another, as in cases of abuse, neglect, violence, theft, murder, or mayhem.
When a difference of opinion exists, it is important to stand for what we believe in without assuming, judging, or personalizing—just understanding the separate realities and moving forward. For example, in a small-business tax audit, the business owner’s reality is up against the IRS agent’s. Both bring assumptions to the process. The business owner may be thinking, The IRS is out to get me, while the IRS agent may be thinking, This business owner is exaggerating, maybe even cheating on his deductions. It will be important for them to find common ground and understanding to resolve the situation. In this case, the common ground is tax law. Even though the IRS agent, who may work 9 to 5 for a limited salary and have few personal tax deductions, may have issues about the allowances given the small-business owner, it is her job to set aside her assumptions and impartially apply tax law. And the business owner needs to set aside his viewpoints and fears of being denied his rights, in order to clearly validate his position and resolve the issues at hand. Both parties can bridge separate realities to find common ground.
Making an assumption bypasses communication, fabricates an intention or outcome, and likely further separates the realities. When we make judgments about which reality is right or true or best, realities and relationships become polarized. Resolution may involve either reluctantly giving in or engaging in anger and hostility, neither of which allows for healthy resolution. By personalizing a separate reality, we shift the focus from the difference of opinion to ourselves, turning an external situation into an internal problem. When we believe external opinions have the ability to harm us, we give up our personal power to move forward. All of these behavioral patterns are self-validating. As we attract new experiences, our perception of them reinforces our beliefs; they exist in the world of thought. These thoughts may be our reality, but they are not real. When we act on them, we create separation, polarization, and unhappiness.
A friend of ours grew up in a home where arguing was the norm. In fact, the bickering reached a level in which family members would take a certain position one day and the opposite another. They got really good at arguing to resolve their problems. However, their solutions were determined by who made the best argument, not necessarily on the merits of the solutions offered, leaving a residue of unresolved negative feelings. Our friend took this pattern into her adult life until she learned that it was not the best or only way to resolve a disagreement. Interestingly, in later years she attracted a man with the same pattern as her family’s. He tried to engage her in verbal combat so he could be the winner, but because of her history, she knew he really wanted love and acceptance but was using these behaviors out of habit. Because she had chosen to give up the game of arguing, she was able to avoid engaging when he tried to bait her. She shifted her focus to seeing his strengths, even his ability to debate. This neutralized the situation for her.
A teacher participating in one of our teleclasses shared this experience about separate realities: She was new to her position as a special education teacher in a suburban high school. A colleague took her aside before the school year began and warned her about a particular student, painting a picture of a severely disturbed boy and suggesting ways to work with him. Because the new teacher wanted to get to know all of her students on her own before making any decisions about how best to work with them, she set aside what she had heard and found this student easy and enjoyable to work with. In fact, when she shared this story, she was amazed to recall how much progress he’d made in the time she’d worked with him. She commented that if this student had been allowed to have a positive experience the previous year, she could only imagine where he might be now.
This is a good example of trusting our judgment and not making another person’s reality our own. How often do we hear things and take them at face value as truth? Consider the consequences for ourselves and those involved. If this teacher had believed her colleague’s reality rather than acting from her own understanding, her student might have lost another year of opportunity to express his potential. When we listen to gossip or another’s perceptions about someone, even with the best of intentions, not only may the character or good name of another be diminished, but we lose the opportunity to experience that person’s true expression.
We always have a choice: Are we going to focus on the best in others or will we see the worst? What if another person’s experiences are just stepping-stones to personal growth? After all, we all can learn from every experience every day. When we allow our separate realities to color our opinions and interactions with others, we all lose. We close doors on growth and progress and spin in an illusion, then we wonder why we are unhappy. Had we used our feelings as a compass, we could have dismissed the thoughts that separated us from others. Then, from our brilliance, we could have created wonderful relationships and a new reality beyond our limitations.
Excerpted from ACTIVATE YOUR BRILLIANCE, Back to Brilliance ©2007
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